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May. 21st, 2010

alistair dragon age facepalm

A spork down memory lane.

It's been a long time since I've sporked anything, but today I was rereading some old LJ posts and remembered my first spork.  That fic spawned among my friends a drinking game and group readings.  Hardly the worst fanfic I've ever read (Topless Robot's FFFs come to mind), but somehow it never fails to amuse me.  I, without reservation, love it.

The thing is, that author had ten fics posted there, and it just seems wrong some of the other absolute gems not get their own due.

The first thing you should know, of course, is to click on the links and look at the backgrounds.  Especially the Snape one.  Trust me I've never let you down before, have I, baby?  I, of course, take no responsibility for any unfortunate consequences (i.e., choking, seizures, aneurysms).



First up: Quietly Loud, or Silently Loud.  It depends on if you read the sidebar or the top of the page.  Either way, it sounds stupid, but I'm not too good at names, either.  Surely the rest isn't that silly...

 

She shrugged. “Sorry…. But I just wanted to thank you.”

 

He looked at her funny. “For what, eh?”

Lily glanced out the window as she spoke. James would never forget what she said next. “I’m pregnant.”

This is set in their seventh year.  And Harry was born after they hit their twenties.  Yeah, I don't know, either.  Also, Lily goes from thanking him to storming off wondering how this could have happened.  Clearly, indecisive Lily is indecisive.

 

“Henry’s been bothering you again, I take it?” Henry was another girl’s newborn child.

“Me and the mother too,” she replied with almost distaste. She couldn’t understand why, if the mother had enough money and a supporting family, she couldn’t move the baby to her place. But she then supposed it was best for the mother, as she was still recovering from the traumatizing birth. She was to have twins, though only one child lived.


Lily is also kind of a bitch.  "Why can't this bitch get over that whole baby death thing and get her ass outta my space so I can have my check-up in peace?  You have your kid, you toss the umbilical cord over your shoulder, and you leave, okay?  Merlin, some people are so inconsiderate."

It was time for her daily check-up, to make sure everything was alright with the baby.

Daily check-up?  Wtf?  For a fic where pregnancy is its entire reason for being, that's so...I...what?

Being a Slytherin, Ann was known to sleep around, but, miraculously, had not gotten pregnant save this time.

Those Slytherin bitches are such slutty ho-bombs.  That Lucius had six ass-babies before graduation, can you believe it?  Whore.

Lily, on the other hand, had only made love to James on accident.


...BAHAHAHA. 
Yeah, that was a frequent mishap Hogwarts students ran into - sometimes one of them would trip and fall on another student's dick over and over for like two minutes fifteen minutes.  Let me tell you, it is ruddy awkward afterward.  Can't look 'em in the bloody eye for a week.

He had goaded her into it, she supposed, against her will, but she did like him very much.


Tell me something: can any of you imagine Lily--canon Lily--being goaded into anything against her will?  Or, like me, do you think after trying to force her James would find himself lacking the proper parts?

Unless Pomfrey can vanquish it… he thought absurdly. Of course Lily won’t want a vanquish. She’s pro-life, after all.


A "vanquish"?  That just...it makes it sound like Madam Pomfrey puts on a full suit of armor and Apparates into Lily's uterus to have some sort of crazy-awesome Highlander stand-off or something.  Hell, I'd read that.

 

“Good evening, Remus.”

 

“Evening, Madam Pomfrey…”

 

“What is it, dear?” she asked him quietly, so as to not disturb Ann and Henry.

“Tuesday’s a full moon,” he replied even more quietly.

It's been seven years, Poppy.  Every month for seven years.  Between this, Lily's needless daily check-ups, and your Ultimate Showdown of Cervix Destiny...  You're really kind of shit at your job, you know that?

Pomfrey went to her private quarters and withdrew the Wolfsbane potion that Snape had made for the student,


Wait, wait, wait.  Snape made a Wolfsbane Potion?  He's such a gorram magnificent bastard of a genius that as a mere student himself he time traveled forward to learn how to make a potion that didn't exist yet so he could come back and be the only one capable of giving Remus the potion to make the whole Shrieking Shack thing unnecessary?

...Why?  So Remus wouldn't make fun of him for what happens in the next fic?

and brought it out to Remus, where he drank it, then left. Pomfrey had actually considered telling him about Lily’s pregnancy, but thought better of it. Though he was a nice boy, he had some blabber-mouthed friends who would undoubtedly spread the news to the whole school.

What the shit?  How about not telling him out of some kind of doctor-patient confidentiality, or as a school staff member, or as it's none of his fucking business nor yours?

I am seriously unconvinced this woman is qualified for her job.  Where does Dumbledore find these people?

Peter and Sirius were playing wizard’s chess, while Remus read a book about jobs werewolves should consider once they graduated.

A rather sadistic tome, since considering professions was all werewolves were allowed to do...

I should have written her up, Lily thought grudgingly, but thought better of it, she’s my friend, though. I can’t go around writing my friends up, that’s for sure. Or else I won’t have any.

That's Lily Evans, always letting her friends get away with bad behavior.  After all, it's not like she's a popular girl with a lot of them.

“You practically ignored me yesterday, and acted so surprised when I told you about it--”


"What kind of jerk is acts surprised to discover his birth control failed?  I mean, other than me."  See what I told you?  Bitch.

 

“Leave me alone,” Lily said solemnly, “I’ll just raise this baby by myself, if that’s how you’re going to act. I seriously don’t think you’re ready for a child, are you?”

He choked on his words. “I am!”

Douchey seventeen year olds make the best parents!

Did I say best parents?  I meant best parents other than bitter single ex-Death Eaters and corpses.  Which brings up to The Parturition of Snape.  Yeah, let that background sink in.  I think the funniest thing to me is that it's the same face on each figure.  It doesn't matter if he's lounging in a bra or getting ready for yoga class SNAPE WILL ALWAYS STARE AT YOU BROODINGLY.

He sighed, and poured some into a vial and closed it off, unaware any had spilled onto the front of his robes. Just enough had wet his robes, however, that the potion's abilities went into full affect, unbeknownst to the Professor.


What, now he's incompetent too?  Maybe Dumbledore hires good people, it's just that years spent in mpreggy hell cause cerebral deterioration. 

When she had approved of it, he asked her about the small bout of queasiness he had felt earlier.
" Hmmm... anything foreign you've eaten recently?" she questioned while stocking the vial of blue liquid on a high shelf. Severus shook his head; not that he could remember, anyway.
" Well, I don't know what else to think, but... no, that's impossible."


Jesus, Pomfrey.  Twenty years later and you suck even worse at your job.  "Hmm, hasn't eaten any fried bobcats lately...yeah, he's probably pregnant.  Makes loads more sense than, say, stomach flu."

Again, Pomfrey gasped. This couldn't be right. He could not be pregnant... unless... did the potion work on men as well? Obviously it did... how else did this happen? Well, she had to break the news to his somehow, but this was not going to be easy. Severus noticed the nurse wringing her hands in a highly nervous fashion, and when he finally asked what was wrong, she replied in a high-pitched squeak.
" Oh, it's nothing! Nothing, except for the minor fact that you are with child, Professor!"


Poppy Pomfrey: delivering bad news in a sensitive fashion since 1940!

Why the hell do they need an insta-preg potion, anyway?

The nurse saw him gaping at his midsection and explained that magical pregnancies only last for four and a half months, therefore things were bound to happen quicker.


Even ignoring the complete canon incompatibility, as a grown wizard, wouldn't Snape know about the birds and the bees (or, if you prefer, fwoopers and glumbumbles)?

He swore he didn't care about maternity leave; he just wanted his normal life back!
But Pomfrey said, "No acceptions, Professor. You're going to have to carry these babies full term."
Snape snapped back to real life.
" There are more than one in... in here?" he gestured to his stomach.
She nodded, smiling to his distaste; "Twins!"
Severus fainted.


I'd make a joke about him being a real manly man, but, I mean, he's pregnant.

After a few more minutes of persuasion, he finally accepted he was going to be a father... and a mother to boot.


Well, he came to terms with that a bit disturbingly quickly.

He suddenly realized something: it took two to make a baby,


I told you he knew about the fwoopers and glumbumbles!

if this was true, who was the other parent?


What do you mean, if this was true?!

" Actually, no one yet. You see, the person who the potion is fed to decides who's the other parent. So... who would you like?"

Sense has no place in mpreg, so I'm not even touching that, but seriously, who do you think he wants?

Madam Pomfrey had always known about Snape's liking of Lily Evans-Potter; most of the school did. She accepted the fact that he would've loved to have a baby with her, and this was his chance. All she had to do was get a blood sample from Harry, and have him drink it. It was gross, yes, but the only way it would work.

From Harry?  But...what...?

Pomfrey hadn't explained how she was to get Lily's eggs, but he felt content enough that he was sure he didn't want to know.


What?  I...  What?  I know I said sense has no place, but for crissakes, you can't have babies already if you don't have eggs yet, I...auuugh.

Finding his now bloated-looking stomach seemingly fatter than the night before seemed to comfort him, seeing as he might get a few weird stares from his fellow staff, as well as students, today.

I think at this point Hogwarts has seen so many pregnant students waddling around they wouldn't bat an eye.

But as he reached for a fifth slice of toast, his stomach rumbled uncontrollably, and his entire bowl of porridge was spit up onto the table in front of him. At the retching sound, almost all the teachers stared at him.


Uh, ew.

He smiled apologetically.


Snape...
smiled...

apologetically?




" What good will this do? Surely the eggs aren't--"
" Oh no, Severus. The eggs are already inside you growing. This blood sample will make the eggs DNA half yours and half Lily's, as if they were conceived the normal way."


Oh.  Well, that makes perfe--...  Wait.  If the blood sample
was Harry's, wouldn't it be half-Snape and half-Harry?  And if Snape didn't take the blood sample, would the babies be biologically copies of him?

Jesus, that makes this all even more terrifying.

New robes were definitely in order... and maybe a charm or two for his stomach so no one would notice.

What about a girdle?  What's good for William Shatner is good for everyone else, amirite?

As he jovially entered the Great Hall, he noticed the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Seinfield, eyeing him closely.

...Professor Seinfeld? 
o_O



Severus waved, which he was surprised at, as he never usually waved to someone. Seinfield's gaze seemed to harden, so Severus didn't look at him throughout the rest of the meal.

Maybe he thought you were the Soup Nazi or something.

He tried to remain calm after he accidentally knocked over Colin Creevey's cauldron with his stomach, which had somehow burst free of the robes.


"Cheap Muggle girdles," he hissed under his breath, swooping away as a befuddled Colin tried to quickly charm away the mess.

"I have just remembered to tell you: in one month, you are going to come live up in the private quarters of the hospital wing," she paused, "so I can keep an eye on you."

Don't listen to her, Severus!  She just wants you close-by so she can have a two-on-one death-match
with your babies!

She then placed a warm hand on his swelling stomach, and went up the stairs to the 5th floor. and was promptly Crucioed for the invasion of Snape's personal space.

Professor Grubbly-Plank was teaching his class now that he was hardly ever allowed to the leave the hospital wing, though people were starting to get suspicious (just as they had the year before with Hagrid's absence).


You don't mean that when we thought he was in Azkaban, Hagrid...

NO, I REFUSE TO CONSIDER THIS.  I REJECT YOUR REALITY AND SUBSTITUTE MY OWN.

Sometimes she'd join him as they watched the twins kick Severus' already bruised stomach lining


So that's where ass-babies grow?

 

"Your private parts are changing."
There was a stunned silence. The babies kicked again, this time harder then before; Severus doubled over in pain.

"What the hell are you talking about?!?!" he exclaimed, crawling out of bed and heading to the lav, "my private parts are fine, thank you!"

But as he opened the door to the lav, turned on the light, pulled off his pants, and looked down, he got the shock of his life.


THAT'S RIGHT.  A MANGINA.  SNAPE'S GOT A MANGINAAAA.

And finally, a couple of choice excerpts from Not How It Was Meant:

Hermione Granger had just woken up and made hot chocolate, and while she sat on the sofa, dressed for work, her husband Pete entered the kitchen.

...Who the fuck is Pete?

It came not as a shock, but a surprise; she had clearly remembered going clubbing the night before with her friend Jeanne, but after 11 PM, nothing she tried could jog her memory.

Is anyone else amused trying to imagine Hermione going clubbing?


Until Hermione recalled those bright blue eyes. So icy, but filled with warmth; an almost imposible feat.

Ice that's warm.  His eyes are melty.

He was so lucky to have found her

Draco, you've known her since you were eleven, you melty-eyed tool.

"What about Peter?"

"Peter Schmeter."

She loved his attitude.

Oh, yeah.  Silly, cliche dialogue makes my ladybits meltier than Draco's eyes.  Take me now, you icy-hot hunk of a man-thing!

now that she thought about it, she was beginning to wonder if she was still in love with Peter. He hardly spent any time with her, and anytime she decided to have fun with her girlfriends, he quizzed her once she arrived home.

Also, who the fuck is he?  Seriously.

Dec. 20th, 2009

diary must look odd

I could take 41 baboons in a fight, armed only with a dildo.

Nov. 21st, 2009

dr horrible - ahhh!

I think it's a valid question.

Carrion-Scented Aphrodite *9mil says:
WHAT THE HELL ZOMBIE JESUS WHY THE SHIT IS MY CHRISTMAS TREE BEING ATTACKED BY GIANT ALBINO SQUIRRELS

Kaylyn says:
hahah you're straight bizarre

Carrion-Scented Aphrodite *9mil says:
I'm not making it upppp
-goes to get screenshot-
http://img24.imageshack.us/img24/3022/giantalbinosquirrelsatt.jpg
When the random brontosaurus is the least weird thing in the picture, you know something went horribly wrong.
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Oct. 21st, 2009

obama jedi

(no subject)

An amendment was passed to stop other women from suffering the same fate as a young woman named Jamie Leigh Jones.  Fours days into working for the Halliburton subsidiary KBR, she was drugged and then vaginally and anally gangraped by her co-workers.  When she reported the incident to her employers, they imprisoned her in a crate with armed guards.  Eventually she managed to convince one such guard to lend her a cell phone, so she called her father, leading to her rescue.  Not only are the contractors generally understood to be above the law, but they put it in the fine print of her contract that she could not pursue legal action.  She is not an isolated case. Sen. Al Franken put forth an amendment to make that end.  It passed, but with thirty Republican votes against it.  The senators who voted against it are as follows:

Alexander (R-TN)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Bond (R-MO)
Brownback (R-KS)
Bunning (R-KY)
Burr (R-NC)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Corker (R-TN)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Crapo (R-ID)
DeMint (R-SC)
Ensign (R-NV)
Enzi (R-WY)
Graham (R-SC)
Gregg (R-NH)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johanns (R-NE)
Kyl (R-AZ)
McCain (R-AZ)
McConnell (R-KY)
Risch (R-ID)
Roberts (R-KS)
Sessions (R-AL)
Shelby (R-AL)
Thune (R-SD)
Vitter (R-LA)
Wicker (R-MS)

I believe I just lost any respect I have ever held for John McCain.
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Oct. 10th, 2009

dr horrible - ahhh!

Oh, ads. Why must you torture me?




I don't think AAARRRGHHHH quite covers this little sojourn into Uncanny Valley.
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Sep. 17th, 2009

bad feeling about this

Disturbing Beyond All Reason

I Find Your Lack of Pants Disturbing *9mil says:

OMG

I just made the mistake of doing an image search for guys with blue hair.

 

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/31/42445639_c969c92aa8.jpg

Large Swedish Drag Queen says:

Omg I screamed so loud the whole student center froze lol

And then I showed to Josh and he screamed girlishly

D:


------------------------------------



I Find Your Lack of Pants Disturbing *9mil says:

I just saw Aaron Carter in a sparkly jacket, arching his body forward and going in a high-pitched voice, "Whooo!"

I'm vaguely terrified.

Large Swedish Drag Queen says:

DDD:

I Find Your Lack of Pants Disturbing *9mil says:

I think the spirit of MJ was upon him.

Large Swedish Drag Queen says:

Spirit of MJ needs to stop moving in young white boys at this point

Srslyt




Sep. 8th, 2009

obama jedi

Recap of latest True Blood episode


I Find Your Lack of Pants Disturbing *9mil says:

xD

Btw, Lafayette keeps fuzzy handcuffs on his person at all times.

Jetta says:

Lafayette is secretly a member of the mod squad :P

I Find Your Lack of Pants Disturbing *9mil says:

LOL

"Eric made me drink his motherfucking blood, that's how that happened." "Me too! He tricked me into drinking it!" "Someone needs to slap that bitch." "I did." "Look at you :D"

Jetta says:

LOL :D

I Find Your Lack of Pants Disturbing *9mil says:

ERIC IN A DRESS ERIC IN A DRESS

Jetta says:

LMFAO LARGE SWEDISH DRAG QUEEN

I Find Your Lack of Pants Disturbing *9mil says:

ROFL THE BEST KIND CLEARLY

Large Swedish Drag Queen says:

Obv

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Sep. 6th, 2009

hk defines love

Old Gregg's adventures with Cleverbot, take two!

Best responses:

I've got a mangina!Collapse )

Tags:
diary must look odd

Cleverbot: for when you have no life and there is no one to chat to.

So, I discovered Cleverbot.  It's where a bot talks to you.  Here's part of our conversation:

Yeah, I do lame things when I'm bored.Collapse )
It stopped after that.  I figured that how it worked was that it would reuse bits of old conversations when talking to you, so I decided to put in some...interesting...new bits of dialog for Cleverbot to use:

 I've got a mangina! I'm Old Gregg!Collapse )
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Sep. 1st, 2009

obama jedi

Cracked.com is like TVTropes

Golden bits from my latest convo with Jetta:

 

Marketing Macaw says yes to K.U.M.Collapse )



 

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